Relationship Endings
by Diane Linsley
People who do a lot of personal growth work often have the
experience of friends suddenly vanishing from their life. This can be
disconcerting, especially if they don't understand why it happened.
A few years ago, three friends suddenly departed from my life.
Having three people disappear all at once is a little scary for an
introvert who doesn't have tons of friends to start with. I wondered if I had done something wrong.
I had many good experiences with these friends, and I thought the relationships would last much longer. So I was mystified. I asked my higher self to help me understand the situation. She told me to go to my bookshelf, pick up a book, and turn to a random page. Here's what I read:
"When souls have natural resonance, they simply appear to each other. When the resonance changes, they disappear. Relationships are always mutually created and dissolved.... You can rest assured that if your soul wants someone to appear, it's going to happen.... But the reverse is also true: if your soul doesn't need a connection, no amount of positive affirmations will make it happen.
"If the vibration of your field changes, as it might after a spiritual breakthrough, certain people cannot occur in your field anymore, unless they have a matching breakthrough, and they will likely disappear." ~Penney Peirce, Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration
I thought back over the previous year, and I realized that I was no longer the same person I was before. When I told my life coach about this realization, she agreed. I said, "Now I understand why those friends disappeared. I could feel them gradually slipping out of my reality, so I wasn't really surprised. I guess they are no longer a vibrational match. I've changed too much."
I recalled other years in which I made huge leaps in personal development, and how people dropped out of my life. This is the risk you take with personal growth. My soul requires that I continue on, even if it means leaving people behind. That doesn't mean I don't love them, or they don't love me. There's just a feeling of "It's over, and it's okay."
The people who dropped out this time came into my life when I needed them most - when I was preparing for my divorce. They supported me through that period of growth. But now we are going down different paths. So I let them go with deep gratitude and a feeling of awe for how souls come together and separate at just the right time.
In The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly says, "Relationships only make sense in relation to the overall purpose of your life.... Every relationship, however formal or casual, long lasting or fleeting, is an opportunity for the people involved to further their essential purpose by becoming the-best-version-of-themselves."
Vibrational Dissonance
Clinging to people who are trying to leave just creates bad feelings. If you try to keep a relationship going by giving up what you want in order to please the other person, you make yourself miserable. Eventually, you'll be so unhappy that you will be the one who wants to leave.
Separation may be inevitable, but suffering is a choice. I learned this lesson at the end of my marriage. Nine months passed between the day I realized that divorce was inevitable and the day I accepted this fact and began to make preparations.
During those nine months, the pain continued to increase. It wasn't until I developed ulcers, waking up in the middle of the night with horrendous pain, that I realized I was going to die if I didn't let go.
Depression is often caused by resisting what our soul requires us to do. Energetic pain can be caused by the dissonance between two personal vibrations that are not in harmony. Energy-sensitive people may experience the vibrational dissonance of disharmonious relationships as physical pain or illness.
Karmic Relationships
Penney Peirce says, "A karmic relationship is automatic and hypnotic at first, then often feels like you're in a tunnel; you can't get out until you emerge at the other end. You chose it, want to do it, but it's not that much fun. When it's over, you shake yourself and say, 'What just happened to me?'"
Contrary to popular opinion, karmic relationships are not punishment. It's more accurate to think of them as karmic rebalancing. Your soul may need a certain experience for its education.
For example, your soul may choose a person with opposite character traits in order to learn something new. This creates conflict, and you may never understand each other, but you come away a little more balanced. When you realize that your soul intentionally chose the relationship, there's no blame.
Penney Peirce says, "When the soul is finished, it's finished. There's no accounting for why the amount of time was spent.... Some invisible marker point is reached, and one person shifts out of attunement and resonance with the old vibrational pattern.... Often, the one who shifted out progresses quickly toward their destiny. The irony is the other person simultaneously made the same decision to move on but doesn't consciously realize it and often feels like a victim."
That sounds familiar. I was persecuted for initiating the divorce, even though it was clear that my ex-husband wanted it, too. After the divorce, my personal growth took off like a rocket, while he was left behind pretending to be a victim. Now, years later, I look at him and can't believe I was married to him. We have no common ground, except for the children. But I learned many lessons during the 26-year marriage, which I am grateful for. I'm now in a much happier marriage with my soulmate.
An Enlightening Dream
When I was going through the divorce, I had a dream in which I was wandering through a swamp. My future self (a slightly older woman) was walking in front of me, and my past self (a young girl) was walking behind me.
I became lucid during the swamp scene, and I asked my future self to get us out of there. We left the swamp, and we came to a fork in the road. On the right side was a long, meandering path along a beach. I knew it would take a long time to get to our destination if we went that route, but it would be easy. Or we could take a hard and fast shortcut. We chose the shortcut.
My future self led me up a steep mountain. It was an exhausting climb. When we came to the top, we entered a dark tunnel. I was frightened, and I questioned her. She said, "This is the fastest way to get to where we are going. Don't stop. Just keep running, and hold on tight!"
I grabbed her hand, and I held on to the hand of the little girl behind me. Then we started running through the dark tunnel. As we ran, we passed a closed door on one side. I could see light through the cracks in the doorway, and I heard the voices of people on the other side. I wanted to join the party, but we couldn't stop. We had to keep running through the dark tunnel. I could barely see a light at the end of the tunnel, which gave me hope.
After this dream, I felt more courageous about moving forward. I knew that I could trust my higher self, even though I was scared. Courage isn't a lack of fear. It's doing what you have to do, in spite of the fear. I also knew that I needed to take care of my Inner Child.
Spiritual Relationships
The soul's purpose for all relationships is spiritual growth. Consider these words from Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships by Osho:
Your longing to be One is your spiritual desire, is your very essential, religious nature. It is just that you are focusing yourself on the wrong spot.
Your lover is only an excuse. Let your lover be just an experience of a greater love - the love for the whole existence.
Let your longing be a search of your own inner being; there, the meeting is already happening, there, we are already One.
There, nobody has ever separated.
The longing is perfectly right; only the object of longing is not right. That is creating the suffering and the hell. Just change the object, and your life becomes a paradise.
Separation is the illusion that creates suffering. You can never really leave anyone, and no one can ever abandon you. When you have this understanding, there is nothing to fear and nothing to forgive.
Here's a guided meditation for relationships.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
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