Voice Dialogue Coaching
by Diane Linsley
Voice Dialogue is one of my favorite coaching tools. This process
was developed by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone. It's a way for us to
explore our subpersonalities by speaking directly with the voices
that represent them.
As we get to know ourselves better, we develop what the Stones
call the Aware Ego. With awareness, we can make more resourceful
choices about how we think and act.
Voice Dialogue and Shadow Material
Voice Dialogue helps us to integrate our shadow material. The
shadow consists of parts of ourselves that we have disowned or
repressed. When we speak from disowned voices, they become
conscious as we bring awareness to them. Then they stop causing many of the problems that they caused when they were operating on the unconscious level.
Carl Jung said, "We do not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." This is the purpose of shadow work.
Zen master Genpo Roshi used the Voice Dialogue process as a template to create his own process called Big Mind, which deals with spiritual voices and shadows.
Voice Dialogue and Self-Compassion
The practice of Voice Dialogue increases self-compassion. As we become familiar with our many voices, we learn to accept and appreciate these parts of ourselves. Some voices are more difficult to accept than others. These are the shadow parts of ourselves that we are trying to hide from conscious awareness. As we listen to these voices, we develop understanding and compassion for the parts of ourselves that we previously experienced with fear or contempt. This also helps us to feel compassion for other people when we see these same voices in them.
After a Voice Dialogue session with a client, during which I facilitated her voice of the Pleaser, my client was able to recognize the Pleaser in other people, including her mother with whom she had a difficult relationship. Her relationship with her own voice of the Pleaser was of the love/hate variety, which mirrored her relationship with her mother, whose primary self was a strong Pleaser.
Once she understood that the Pleaser was just a subpersonality - not her whole self or her mother's whole self - she became less judgmental. We then continued our work by facilitating the voices of the Good Girl and the Rebel. These opposing voices had been causing her a lot of anxiety because she felt like she was at war with herself.
After speaking from each of these voices and then transcending them by going to the Aware Ego, my client was able to appreciate what each of these voices did for her in her life. She was also able to see how they operated in her friends, which helped her to feel compassion for the "wrong" choices that some of her friends had made.
Many Voices
You can think of voices as employees in a company. For example, the employees that make up the company called Diane include all the voices of Diane's ego and personality. Some of these voices are more prominent - they are the employees that do the majority of the work for Diane. Hal and Sidra call this collection of voices the Primary Self System. Other voices are used only occasionally. And still others are disowned (Diane likes to pretend they don't exist).
To start with, here are some examples of emotional voices. One that comes up frequently in coaching is the voice of Fear. Once the fear is addressed, the client can move forward with the coaching work.
Emotional Voices:
Fear
Anger
Sadness
Guilt or Shame
Jealousy
Some voices come in pairs of opposites, meaning that we tend to think of one voice in the pair as who we are while disowning the opposite side. When doing Voice Dialogue, I like to speak to both voices in the pair so the client can become aware that both sides exist.
When a voice is disowned, it limits us. For example, if you only relate to the Thinker, then you will reject the Feeler in yourself and others. As you read through this list, notice which voices you relate to and which ones feel uncomfortable.
Pairs of Opposites:
Thinker/Feeler
Extrovert/Introvert
Personal/Impersonal
Dependent/Independent
Vulnerable/Powerful
Special/Ordinary
Cynic/Idealist
Doubt/Certainty
Spiritual/Materialistic
Aggressive/Passive
Masculine/Feminine
Rule Maker/Rebel
Pleaser/Selfish
Dramatic/Stoic
Funny/Serious
Workaholic/Beach Bum
Organized/Messy
Perfectionist/Slob
Responsible/Irresponsible
As you think about these pairs of opposites, you may recall other people in your life. What we disown in ourselves, we judge in others. Practicing Voice Dialogue can improve our relationships.
Some voices are developed for specific jobs or hobbies in our lives. For example, as a gardener and seed seller, I developed the voices of the Gardener and the Business Woman. When I went into coaching, I developed the voice of the Life Coach. These subpersonalities have specific abilities, desires and attitudes. I'm not the same person when I'm coaching as I am when I'm gardening.
What voices have you developed in your life? Here are some examples of voices that play specific roles in our lives. Can you think of more?
Role Voices:
Mother or Father
Wife or Husband
Lover
Friend
Teacher/Student
Boss/Employee
Controller
Protector
Rational Mind
Spiritual Voices
There are many different spiritual voices because spirituality means different things to different people at different stages of cognitive development. One of my favorite pairs of spiritual voices is Yin and Yang Compassion. You can also access states of consciousness or stages of enlightenment by speaking from the voices that represent them.
I learned a phrase from Genpo Roshi that I often use during meditation: "Allow me to speak to the non-seeking, non-grasping mind, please." It works wonders for getting into a meditative state.
Immature and Mature Voices
When we begin working with a voice, it usually comes up in its immature form. As the voice learns to express itself, it gradually "grows up" and becomes more mature and functional. Immature voices are not "bad" - they simply lack awareness. We can help a voice gain awareness by asking it questions like "What is your job?" and "How do you serve Diane in her life?" (Notice that you refer to yourself in the third person in order to differentiate yourself from the voice.)
People are often frightened of their disowned voices. For example, many people disown the voice of Anger because they were taught when they were young that anger is bad, and they were punished when they expressed anger. So this voice never had the opportunity to develop into a mature voice.
Immature anger can manifest as a violent outburst, or it can be so disowned that you can't feel it at all. In either case, the voice of Anger is stuck in the past at an earlier age when you didn't know how to express it in a resourceful way.
As we work with the voice of Anger, we learn what this energy feels like in the body and what it is trying to say. We may experience a breakthrough when we realize how this voice in its mature form can serve us. Then our relationship to the voice of Anger changes. It's no longer a problem to be feared, but a source of information and help. All voices in their mature forms are voices of Wisdom.
Every time I do Voice Dialogue with a client, I'm amazed at how powerful this process is. Here's an article by Dorothy Guinn, who has been using Voice Dialogue in her coaching and hypnotherapy practice since I introduced it to her many years ago.
Voice Dialogue Resources
See this YouTube video for an Introduction to Voice Dialogue.
For more information, including books, articles, CD's, DVD's, and MP3's, see Hal and Sidra Stone's website, Voice Dialogue International. My favorite CD is The Aware Ego, which is a great introduction to Voice Dialogue.
I included examples of the voice dialogue process in my setting healthy boundaries meditation and my affirmations for codependency meditation.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
